Names

This week’s Sunday Telegraph Magazine had a list of fifty recent American babies’ names. They are:
Hawke
Patriot
Abyss
Confession
Sharmonica
Sedan
Chevette
Hilton
Choice
Uneek
Beautiphul
Spacey
Dwarf
Nadir
Truth
Sin
Tequilla
As-Matik
Tall
Rumsfeld
Virgin
Dominant
Marvellous
Poopsie
Silcona
Talent
Gym
Harlotte
Elyzibethe
Hero
Placenta
Female
Pamperme
Rage
L’Oreal
Affleck
Shellsea
Weed
Organica
Memory
Gulfstream
Launch
Shave
Simplisiti
Powers
Purest
DeVodka
Blunt
LaPleasure
Karryllinne

I mean, what are people thinking? Can you just imagine?

What happens when the dear child has her birthday party at the skating rink? The announcer says, ‘And now, Easy Roller Skating Rink is pleased to wish a very happy seventh birthday to Placenta! Awww….isn’t she adorable?’

And what about As-Matik? There’s a kid who will never get his medical history correct. :
‘You’re asthmatic?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that. What’s your name?’
‘As-Matik.’
‘I know that, but what’s your name?’
It’s like ‘Who’s on First?’ for the new century.

And Uneek? Beautiphul? Simplisiti? Pamperme? I see three children who will never kwite master the phine artt of spelling or punkchewashun.

What about Blunt and Weed? Gee, let’s advertise the fact our parents are fond of certain substances. Same goes for DeVodka and Tequilla.

How long before we read about trademark infringement suits against little Chevette, darling Hilton, sweet L’Oreal, and dear Gulfstream?

Now, Elyzibethe and Karryllinne aren’t too bad, I suppose. It’s just the natural extension of Katie, Katy, Cathy, Kathy, Kathie, Kristie, and Kirstie. But Sharmonica? I mean really.

And if you’re going to name your kids after someone famous, would you really pick Affleck (Ben), Spacy (Kevin) or Rumsfeld (Donald)?

But I suppose you could have some fun with these names. Could you imagine twins named Tall and Dwarf? Or Harlotte and Virgin?

Seriously, imagine adults with these names. Think about graduation time or a job interview. Yes, I know, all names were at some point made up by someone. But to name a kid Poopsie?

Heavens. If this is what’s happened in America since December, my American Tour comes not a minute too soon. I henceforth announce my campaign to bring back some commonsense and foresight into naming kids. If you must make up an original name (but NOT Uneek) that nobody else has, could you possibly manage not to saddle your kid with unreasonable labels? Kids get picked on enough without given names like Dwarf or Poopsie. If you must call your kid something like that, it’s called a nickname, folks, not a given name. A name shouldn’t be a nod to a passing interest (Tequilla and Weed). It shouldn’t be a company (L’Oreal and Gulfstream). It shouldn’t be a room (Gym). It shouldn’t be some cutsey name (Poopsie or Pamperme). It’s a person, for Pete’s sake, not a stuffed animal.*

Then again, I do like the name Hawke. Really.

(Just as a side note…even though I like the name Hawke, that does NOT open the door to naming your kid after random other birds you may find in the guidebook: Oriole, Pigeon, Chicken, Peacock, Eagle, Chickadee, or Cardinal. The names Robin and Jay remain acceptable. Authorisation is still pending on Crane and Kestrel.)

(As another side note, if you must find something different, how about using names already established as acceptable in other countries? Callum and Alfie are quite common in England, yet I never met a single one in America. Okay, I’m still deciding about Alfie, but still it beats Rage.)

(Okay, here’s yet another side note…recently there was a huge uproar here in England when footballer David Beckham and his wife Victoria (formerly Posh Spice) named their newest son Cruz. It seems that in Spain, Cruz is a girl’s name. It’s like all the English papers forgot about all the English girls named Charlie and all the English boys named Ashley. I happen to like the name Cruz. Of course, I also like Max, Zak, Dru, Nic, and Ari.)

*And here we have the problem, I believe. Too many people are looking at kids as something fun to have around for a while, like a stuffed animal or something. Kids are work (trust me, I’m a teacher) and they stick around long after they stop being cute (trust me, I’m a teacher).

One summer I worked at a company where they hired a security guard named Buffy. Oh yeah, real intimidating.