Spiders

Ah, spring. The time when trees are filled with now leaves, flowers start to bloom, and spiders start to roam about. I’m fine with those small ones that creep around on the wall. Generally, I’ll just ignore them and move one. After all, it’s live and let live, right?

But last night, I’m lying in bed reading and I see this huge black thing striding across the floor. It’s so big that it feels no need to creep or to scurry; it confidently treads across my carpet with confidence. This is the spider the others call ‘The Enforcer.’ It briefly stops, stares me down, and threatens to break my thumbs if I don’t repay my loan.

No, wait, that’s the Italian guy down the hall. We were talking about the spider.

This spider is bigger than a dinner plate. And it’s standing there laughing at me.

So I wait until it stops laughing and turns away. I creep towards it. It’s funny, but as I get closer, it looks less the size of a dinner plate, and more the size of a black, furry, 50p coin with legs. But still, it’s big. I grab my shoe. I slowly lift it into the air. And…WHAM!

‘So,’ I say to the flat, crumpled mess on the floor, ‘who’s laughing now?’

If only I had a shoe big enough for that Italian guy…


(Important note: Although the role of The Enforcer is played by a large Italian man who happens to enforce loan repayments for a group known as ‘The Family,’ I am in no way implying that he is typical of all Italians. In fact, I know for certain that some Italians are women.)