The Wonders of Food

I recently bought some microwave pizzas. Upon turning over the box, I read the following sentence: ‘Chicago Town Pizzas are the most versatile pizzas that you can buy!’

Imagine my excitement to realize that not only had I bought versatile pizzas but they were the most versatile pizzas I could possibly have bought! Immediately, my mind was filled with so many exciting prospects. Imagine a pizza that would do my laundry for me…a pizza that would write my lesson plans for me…a pizza that I could fly to school! I couldn’t wait.

Until, that is, I read the next sentence: ‘You can cook ‘em in the microwave in just three minutes, or in the oven.’

Um…wait. I bought the most versatile pizza that I could possibly buy and it can only do two things?! And not only that, the pizza couldn’t do anything at all…I was the one who could only do two things with the pizza.

Frankly, I’m disappointed. Surely there are other frozen pizzas that you can either microwave or cook in the oven. I suppose I’ll have to do my own laundry. And there go my flights to school. But I’m stapling the pizzas to my lesson plans.